C1: Commitment
Commitment is about...
CONTENTS ON THIS PAGE:
Having a Compelling Mission Statement
Audio: Our son Matthew on our family mission statement
Music Video: “We Are Family,” by Sister Sledge
Making Your Word Mean Something
Music Video: “When I Said I Do,” by Clint Black
Music Video: “Still the One,” by Orleans
Blog Articles: The 52 Love Songs Project
Blog Articles: The 52 GREAT Relationship Masters Project (19 and counting…)
Book: Horton Hatches the Egg
Working Things Out
Music Video: “We Can Work It Out,” The Beatles
Music Video : “We Can Work It Out,” cover by Stevie Wonder
Vid: Blockbuster (TV spot)
Being There
Vid: A Son Every Day (TV spot)
Vid: Half Time (TV spot)
Vid: Dry Cleaner (TV spot)
Vid Casey at the Bat (TV spot)
Vid: Cheering Section (TV spot)
Vid: Family Harmony (TV spot)
Movies and Shows About Strong Families
… Having a compelling Mission Statement…
…so everyone knows what we’re about and our commitment to each other.
Example 1.
I found this audio journal entry of what my then 17-year-old son, Matthew, thought our family’s mission statement might be:
Example 2.
The 70s disco hit, We Are Family by Sister Sledge is an excellent example of a powerful mission statement.
… Making our word mean something.
Most romantic songs are about strong feelings… and feelings come and go. While I’m a hopeless romantic, love love and all the sappy feelings that go with it, those feelings aren’t reliable as they can rise and fall, ebb and flow. Instead, I’m much more interested in songs about COMMITTED love. Behavioral love. Choice-based love. And this is one of my very favorite of all of them. “When I said, ‘I do’ I meant, ‘I will.’”
… Means you’re still the one
“Still the One,” by Orleans
“Changing, our love is going gold*
Even though we grow old, it grows new”
* Note: “love is going gold” is a reference to the golden or 50th anniversary.
See my 52 Love Songs Project for many more examples of COMMITTED love songs.
Kara, my “love’s young dream” was more naïve then but no less sincere now that I’m somewhat older and wiser. I love you now more than ever. With you, I have found a deeper and truer love than I had ever hoped for when I was a teen.
So much will change over the course of your relationship with each other, and rightly so. Things change, and we need to grow and adapt. So much that brought you together also needs to stay the same: Courting, wooing, maintaining, enhancing, and building your friendship with each other. You started there. Go back to that. Keep doing that. Stay there.
This line says it all for me:
But he loves her, and he just kept going
overboard, over the limit, to afford
to give her things he knew she wanted
cause without her, where would he be?
Commitment isn’t flowy, good-sounding words based on easy times and happy emotions. Commitment is… well… just listen…
My brother, a deep and soulful man, shared the above song with me. He said, "Here’s a nice song for the winter nights ahead, for living life, and the gentle adaptations of spouses. Leah and I have listened to him since we started dating, and I vividly recall when we first heard Birches; we were sitting quietly by a fire, simply listening to the radio and sipping wine."
In all my years of counseling couples I have never once had a woman enter my office exclaiming, "I'm leaving his sorry butt because I have had it up to HERE with his constant appreciation, understanding and recognition!" No. Not once. However, I have sadly heard the opposite many, many, many times. For years now I have taught the simple power of appreciation in it's various forms of noticing, recognizing, praising, encouraging, not taking one another for granted. And yet, for some reason such a simple thing can be hard for many men to do.
Hey Cold Feet, I think this is one of the most lovely songs I've ever heard. Nothing would make up for not having your "little ol' cold feet" on me in the night. It's one of the single most sublime pleasures of my life. Love, Foot Warmer.
Love Your Partner More. Don't wait to "feel" loving. Don't wonder if you "found" the best or not. Don't look for greener grass elsewhere. You chose your partner above all others. That is profound. Make it and keep it profound by loving your partner more than all else. Some days you may not feel the love. That's okay. Love her/him more by choosing to love them anyway. Behave in loving ways even whenyou don't feel loving. This is noble and wise.
Take fierce pride in the one you love. Brag about your baby. Take joy in him or her. Let your baby know Refuse to ever criticize her/him to others. Don't husband-bash with your girlfriends. Don't wife-bash with the guys. "You mess with her, you'll see a man get mean" is a great line. Have that kind ofprotectiveness not just with others but more importantly from your own internal criticisms of your baby.
Make room for love to move in. Love needs space. Too often we keep our hearts full of so much junk, baggage, goofy beliefs, relationship myths, masks, fears. "I'm tired of acting tough" is about being ready to let that go and move into love where there is "vacancy" or space. When we're ready to stop "posing/fronting" we can look forward to the subtle joy of connecting with someone now and into the future where we are just relaxing on the front porch. To do so, though, we need to first clear space within ourselves for love to move fully in.
Time to sing props for me this time! Go me! While I don't have a voice like Barry, a body like Arnold, nor the Denzel face, I do have a will, commitment and desire to treat you right. This isn't meant to be self-congratualtory (okay, yes it is, but that's beside the point...), it is meant to simply say you have a good man and you deserve a good man. I hold myself to a high husbandly standard for three reasons...
Love is a Series of Behaviors that Generate Outcomes. There is so much relational wisdom is this one song as it so well illustrates some key behaviors to really love your woman. Allow me to expound a bit on the behaviors identified in this song...
Relationships Trump Things: When we focus on things and tasks we gain things that fade and a to-do list that will remain un-done long after the tombstone has been placed on our grave. Further, when we make things primary we lose the relationship.
Must watch this sage and hilarious advice. These guys are my new favs. (Of course, any of you who grew up with Happy Days, like me, will appreciate their "names").
Simplicity cuts through complexity. "I don't want a complicated past... don't want drama... I just want a love that will last." Too many of the couples I work with have complicated their relationships. For example, they want a deep and meaningful friendship, yet they don't treat each other as friends. The simple approach is to then begin acting in friendly ways even if you don't feel friendly. Be nice. Duh. So obvious yet it's missed because we add complexity: "I'd be nice if she wouldn't...". Cut through the crud and just be nice anyway.
Mend it, don't end it. Long-term marital studies find that 69% of couples who seriously considered divorce but stayed married report that 16 years later they are very happy that they stuck it out. Further research shows that couples that stop trying to change each other and learn to accept each other are the ones that change the most and become the most happy.
Few "romantic" songs have anything to do about real, lasting, committed love. This song epitomizes what MarriageEnvy and "GREATness in relationships" is all about. Enjoy.
“I meant what I said,
And I said what I meant.
An elephant’s faithful,
One hundred percent.”
—Horton the Elephant, Dr. Seuss
Never read it?! Click here to get it now! —>
It’s a fun read-aloud book with a great message.
The 52 GREAT Relationship Masters Project
In the play Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye, a Russian Jew steeped in tradition, is struggling with accepting his daughter’s modern notion of romance and marrying the one you love. He and his wife, Golde, had a traditional arranged marriage where practicality, not love, was not the primary consideration. Tevye, though, begins to wonder if, after all these years, his wife loves him…?
They say that sometimes love starts with a spark
And that might be true
But if I were to wish you a love
I wouldn’t wish fire for you
Remember the song Cars by Gary Numan? He was the cutting edge of new wave in the late 70s/early 80s. Still one of my fav artists. Did you also know that he just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary yesterday? He wrote the most lovely post about his wife and their marriage. I liked it so much I added it to my GREAT Relationship Masters blog. Give it a read…
Just re-watched one of my fav GREAT Relationship couples in the movie The Glenn Miller Story (starring Jimmy Stewart and June Allyson). If you haven't seen it I highly recommend it. It's the true story of the innovative and most popular musician of the late 30s/early 40s (big band/swing). Several of his most popular songs were love songs to his wife and sweetheart Helen, with a very meaningful story behind each song: String of Pearls, Pennsylvania 6500, and Little Brown Jug.
Stephen Colbert and Evelyn "Evie" McGee-Colbert have been married since 1993. This is what he had to say when John Oliver asked him, “What friendship have you had which has impacted you the most?” His answer is sincere and poignant. When one values their partner this much, you can imagine the pains he gladly takes to treat her well and protect their relationship.
Mark Hamill is just cool all-around. We all know this... What few know, though, is that Mark Hamill has been married to the same woman, Marilou, for thirty-seven years. And relationships that make it, and make it well, over the long-haul are really cool! And are especially rare in Hollywood. Read the full story here...
While this short film is fictional, the type of love is not. I have known so many of these simple GREAT Relationship Masters who quietly and unassumingly love and serve their partners.
As one Facebook friend said about this video, "So cute! Nothing sexier than a faithful companion :)". True. I couldn't agree more. And that's what these GREAT Relationship Masters in the fun and touching video understand.
This video depicts a married couple with debilitating disabilities—the husband with Parkinson's Disease and the wife suffering from a stroke.
A college dorm mate of mine, Aldo Edwards, shared the following lovely moment where he witnessed two GREAT Relationship Masters in action:
"I saw an ancient fellow, bent over with age, shuffle slowly, S-L-O-W-L-Y around his table
I've had so many young people talk to me who are afraid of marriage... because how could love really last a lifetime, especially when so many have seen so few great examples of marriage, if they've even seen any at all? As in anything great in life we must study the masters. Stop studying the marriage idiots, folks. Study those who know what they are doing. Here's one example of what love really looks like over the long haul.
You need to see this video as this this young husband wakes up groggily from anesthesia after yet another surgery to find to his great surprise that he's married to "the prettiest woman I’ve ever seen. Are you a model?" He's further surprised and overjoyed to learn that she is his wife!
In his book Mortal Lessons: Notes on the Art of Surgery, Richard Selzer recounts this incredible exchange between a lover and his beloved: I stand by the bed where a young woman lies, her face postoperative, her mouth twisted in palsy, clownish. A tiny twig of the facial nerve, the one to the muscles of her mouth has been severed. She will be thus from now on.
96-year-old Fred Stobaugh writes a song about his wife, Lorraine—the woman he's spent 75 years with and has just passed away. He then enters it in an online song-writing contest. See what happened...
Not too shabby this... Kristian Anderson made this birthday video for his wife Rachel before he died of cancer. It went viral as did their story. I'll let the vids tell their story better than I can...
A wonderful fictional portrayal of the real life experiences of many GREAT Relationship Masters. Bravo!
One rainy October evening, thirty years ago, I sat in my room at the Naval Academy in Annapolis, staring at a navigation lesson and thinking of Jean. I had met her the previous August in Chicago, just before my summer leave expired, and I had fallen in love with her. Three days later I was back in Annapolis, surrounded by rules and regulations, while she was a thousand miles away, surrounded by eligible bachelors. Things looked bleak indeed.
The segments of married couples telling the stories of how they met are real stories that Rob Reiner collected for the film. Actors relate the stories.
… Working things out,
such as "mend it, don't end it."
Example 1:
I love this Stevie Wonder cover of The Beatles “We Can Work It Out.” It’s a great anthem to remember to hang in there and not give up. Of course, the original is superb… so here they both are together :-).
Example 2:
… Being there,
helping each other out, showing up, supporting each other, believing in one another, cheering each other on, having a place... All of this gives us security, a safe harbor in a storm, a sense of purpose, place and identity.
Movies and Shows About Strong Families
There are fortunately many good movies and TV shows about strong families that exhibit messages of commitment to one another. Please share your faves in the Private Facebook Group.
Soul Food (1997)
Generations bonding around the dinner table through food. Clip:
The Pursuit of Happyness (2006)
Single father in poverty fights for a better future for his son.
Life Is Beautiful
Tragically sad and beautiful story of parents, highlighting the father’s incredible attitude, protecting their son from the horrors of the Holocaust.
Marley and Me
The life of a family around a chaotic but endearing loveable dog. This movie highlights the idea of “mend it, don’t end it” when it comes to marital conflict.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002)
Western groom enters into his bride’s traditional Greek family where the bonds are very strong.
Little Miss Sunshine (2006)
A family learns to come together in a common goal, in spite of their differences and conflicts.
The Family Stone (2005)
Different personalities, common family bond. Mother’s last Christmas as family copes with loss and acceptance, while new girlfriend struggles to fit in.
Kramer vs. Kramer (1979)
Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep struggle through the conflict of divorce and custody battles while working hard to be there for the son they both love and eventually find a way to co-parent.
Parenthood
Steve Martin plays the father who anxiously tries to be the father to the children he never had.
The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
A comedy and drama that addresses dysfunction, divorce, death, and the power of family.
What's Eating Gilbert Grape (1993)
Gilbert (Johnny Depp) sacrifices his desire to make a life of his own to care for his mentally impaired brother (Leonardo DiCaprio) and disabled mother.
This song reminds me of how precious you are to me. I love to spend time with you, talk with you, laugh with you, watch you dance, share, plan, and grow with you. When the time comes for one of us to go, I will desperately miss your companionship. I am so grateful that that separation will only be for a short time. I love you with all my heart.