18 Things to Find the Right Therapist for You
A Q&A with Jonathan Sherman, LMFT, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Relationship Strategist, Author, and Speaker.
Interview by Jessica Nord.
Finding a therapist can feel daunting—especially when emotions are high or the need feels urgent. Jonathan Sherman, LMFT, offers practical guidance on how to find a therapist who truly fits your needs, values, and goals. In this interview, we address the following 18 areas:
Where can I find names of good therapists?
How do you find a good fit with a therapist?
What questions should I ask?
What if they end up not being a good fit?
I’m worried about seeing a therapist not from my religion. Will they respect my beliefs?
Should I ask about their values or religion?
What if I’m looking for a therapist for my child or teen?
I’ve heard that I should find a different therapist for each of my children. Is this true?
But is there a conflict of interest in seeing multiple members of the same family?
Should I work on fixing myself before we work on fixing our marriage?
Who are the major players in the mental health professional world?
What should I expect in my first session?
Can I correct my therapist?
What if I don’t know what’s wrong—can I still go to therapy?
Does therapy really work?
How to know if therapy is working
Red flags: When to reconsider your therapist
Therapy myths and realities
Where can I find names of good therapists?
Ask your friends and family for recommendations. People are opening up more about their struggles, and therapy has become less stigmatized. You can ask in community forums, like your town’s Facebook group. If you see the same name pop up a few times, then that’s possibly a good candidate to add to your list. If you plan to use insurance, they can provide the names of providers they cover. You can also perform an online provider search via Psychology Today, or your state licensing board’s website, or other therapist directories.
How do you find a good fit with a therapist?
First, take the time to shop around. This person will be working deeply in your life, hopefully knowledgeably, skillfully, and compassionately to good effect. Spend the same sort of time and energy you would if you were looking for a new car or a house. This involves gathering names and interviewing them. Be aware that there exists a wide range of quality, so asking questions is key.
What questions should I ask?
Here are some questions that can help you get a feel for their approach. Ask about their background and experience. Ask how they would approach your particular situation. They should be able to explain and give you a good idea of the frameworks, techniques, and approaches they use in their practice.
For example, you can ask:
“What is your experience and background with issues like mine?”
“How would you approach our situation?”
“Can you give an example of how you’ve helped someone in a similar situation?”
“How do you handle values that are different from yours?” More on this below.
If you’re looking for help with a teenager, especially do your due diligence, as your teen may not be as willing to therapist hop as an adult might, so a good fit from the get-go is essential.
For marital counseling, be sure to find someone who is specifically trained in couples dynamics and has a good track record of successful outcomes. Not everyone who “works with couples” is actually well-trained to do so. This matters SO MUCH!
Also, watch out for vague answers or overpromising results. No one has a 100% success rate.
The first question people often ask me is, “What is your fee?” While cost is a legit factor, it’s also NOT the most critical question. The most important question is about the VALUE of the OUTCOME you want: “How can you help me with what I’m/we’re going through? What’s your experience with these issues? Can you give me an example of how you’ve approached this with others?”
What if they end up not being a good fit?
Remember: your therapist works for you. If it’s not a good fit, fire them quickly and move on to the next person in your top three you researched.
I tell my clients, “If I earn your trust, great, we’ll keep working together. But don’t trust me more than you trust yourself. This is your life. I’m here to help you through it, not to be in charge of it.”
The good news is that counseling works. When it doesn’t, nine times out of ten, I see it as the problem being the fit with the therapist. Don’t stay longer with them if it doesn’t feel right in your gut. Trust that. I always tell my clients: “Quit your counselor, don’t quit counseling.”
I’m worried about seeing a therapist not from my religion. Will they respect my beliefs?
Ask a therapist candidate how they handle values that differ from theirs. If their answer seems vague, defensive, or evasive, move on. Or if they seem to have their own values agenda, also move on. A good therapist will want to understand your values and will respect them. They will be clear on their role and as aware of their own biases as possible.
Further, there have been many times I’ve worked with people from different religious/spiritual backgrounds that I wasn’t familiar with. I took the time to learn (through research or just asking them) about their faith and values so I could be culturally aware and sensitive to what’s important to them.
Bottom line: A good therapist works from their client’s value system and does not impose their own on their clients. So yes, a good therapist will respect your beliefs.
Should I ask about their values or religion?
You should feel free to ask your therapist any questions. You need to feel comfortable and confident with the person you’ll be working with. They will be intimately involved in your life and should also be open to you. But their own personal values should ultimately be unimportant to your therapy, as I mentioned above: they are to work within your value system, not their own.
What if I’m looking for a therapist for my child or teen?
Will the therapist respect our family’s religion?
Again, ask questions about how they handle values that differ from theirs, and be sure you are comfortable with their response. A good therapist will not be seeking to draw your child away from the family religion, but neither will they be trying to convert them to it.
Will the therapist share what they talk about?
Also, ask how they handle communication and confidentiality with parents. In therapy with teens, especially, there’s a balance between respecting the teen’s privacy and keeping parents appropriately informed. A good therapist will explain this clearly: what kinds of things they will share with you, what will stay private to help your child feel safe to open up, and how they’ll involve you if safety concerns arise.
I’ve heard that I should find a different therapist for each of my children. Is this true?
It depends. There will be times when it may be useful to have separate therapists. But often it is useful to have one family therapist who understands the whole family system: who knows the family dynamics and has built a relationship with different members of the family. It can also save time and energy to have therapy happening in one place, so long as you have a therapist who can work with the various personalities present in the family. Not every therapist, though, is trained in family dynamics and doesn’t know how to navigate working with an entire family system. So, look for a family therapist (LMFT) or someone specifically trained in family therapy models who has a lot of experience.
But is there a conflict of interest in seeing multiple members of the same family?
For LMFTs, no. In family therapy, the family is the client. Marriage and family therapists, in particular, are trained in working with family systems. Their client is the family unit, not just the individual, so there is no conflict of interest there. If one arises, though, they will make appropriate referrals.
Bear in mind, though, that the training of a marriage and family therapist does not automatically mean the therapist will be good with families. Training alone doesn’t assure quality. You may find other therapists (LCSW, CMHC, or a psychologist) who work well with families, and you may find that some marriage and family therapists, though trained, aren’t actually good at working with families. Just like in any field, some are great at what they do, and those who aren’t. Remember to do your research beforehand, ask questions, and move on quickly if they are not a good fit.
Should I work on fixing myself before we work on fixing our marriage?
This is a common myth/misunderstanding that you need to work on yourself before you can work on your relationship. You can’t tune just one string and expect the whole guitar to sound right. We all live within systems, and all things affect each other. Everything is interconnected. Your individual strengths and difficulties affect your marriage, and your marriage's strengths and difficulties affect your individual life. So, working on yourself helps your marriage, and working on your marriage helps yourself. There is no need to wait to begin fixing your marriage, and they don’t necessarily need to be worked on separately.
Who are the major players in the mental health professional world?
For therapy, most therapists you will work with are licensed professionals with master's degrees. These include:
LMFT: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists
LCSW: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
LPC: Licensed Professional Counselor
CMHC: Clinical Mental Health Counselor
Other mental health professionals include:
Psychologist (PhD or PsyD): Provide therapy as well as in-depth psych evaluations
Psychiatrists (MD): Are doctors with medical degrees who specialize in mental health medication prescription and management. They generally do not do therapy.
APRN: Advanced Practice Registered Nurse is a hybrid who can prescribe mental health medication and also do therapy.
What should I expect in my first session?
If you feel nervous or unsure, that’s normal. It’s the therapist’s job to put you at ease and help you feel comfortable opening up about what’s hard to talk about. The first session is about getting to know one another, building rapport, gathering background, and planning first steps, actions, or homework to begin working on between sessions. It’s not meant to be a deep dive or to achieve an instant breakthrough. Also, let your therapist know what you’ve found helpful and not helpful from previous counseling experiences, and see how your therapist might work similarly or differently from your other therapist(s).
Can I correct my therapist?
YES! Let them know what they are getting and doing well, and what they aren’t! They will miss things. Don’t expect them to just get it or just know. Teach them. A good counselor will not be offended if you don’t like something. In fact, they will appreciate your candor as it will help them better tune into your style so they can serve you better. Remember, your therapist works for you.
What if I don’t know what’s wrong—can I still go to therapy?
Yes. Sometimes people aren’t exactly sure what’s wrong or what to do; they just know something’s off and they want things to be better. You don’t need a diagnosis or come in with a clear goal to benefit from therapy. Starting with “I don’t know where to begin” is a valid place to start. A good therapist will help you identify what is going on and, together with you, help you figure out how to move forward.
Does therapy really work?
It does. Decades of research show that around 70–80% of people experience significant improvement through psychotherapy, especially when there’s a strong therapeutic alliance and a good fit between client and therapist (APA, 2012; Lambert, 2013; Wampold & Imel, 2015; Norcross & Lambert, 2018). Besides finding the right therapist, also make sure you’re prepared to do the work so that the work can work. There’s no magic to therapy. It’s a tool. It’s like asking, do hammers or computers work? Yes, if you use them… correctly, knowledgeably, skillfully, and consistently.
How to know if therapy is working
There’s no magic psychological trick your therapist will perform. Progress in therapy doesn’t always have an instant breakthrough. It’s often gradual and sometimes even uncomfortable as you stretch and grow. Think of it like physical therapy: there will be stretching, lots of practice, and sometimes pain. But it’s pain with a purpose: to gain motion, momentum, and movement forward.
Here are a few signs that therapy is working:
You notice greater self-awareness. You start catching patterns in your thoughts, feelings, or behaviors more quickly than before.
You apply tools between sessions. You’re trying new communication or coping skills in real-life situations.
Your emotional “recovery time” shortens. Upsets still happen, but you rebound faster and stay regulated longer.
You feel more understood—and understand yourself and those you love better. Sessions help you connect dots and feel less alone in what you’re facing.
Important relationships start shifting. As you change, people around you respond differently—sometimes positively, sometimes with growing pains, but movement means progress.
You experience more hope and agency. Even if challenges remain, you feel more capable of handling them.
Progress is rarely a straight line. You may have sessions that feel like setbacks, or times when emotions feel stronger before they settle. That’s normal. Progress often looks messy before it gets better. It’s kind of like cleaning out the garage—it gets messier as you pull stuff out, sort through what you want to keep and get rid of, before you’re able to organize it neatly.
If you’re unsure whether therapy is helping, bring that up with your therapist. Communicating about progress, what therapy is like for you, and what you like or don’t like about your therapist is part of good therapy.
Red flags: When to reconsider your therapist
As I touched on earlier, there are times when you need to fire your therapist. While no therapist is perfect, some behaviors should make you pause or move on. Trust your instincts if something feels off.
Watch out if your therapist:
Dominates the conversation or talks mostly about themselves, discloses excessively about their own life in ways that shift focus away from you.
Pushes their personal beliefs, political opinions, or worldview.
Guarantees specific outcomes (“I can fix this in three sessions”).
Minimizes or judges your feelings.
Violates boundaries, such as offering friendship or physical contact (a hug you initiate is appropriate).
Seems disinterested, distracted, or rarely remembers what you’ve discussed.
A healthy therapist welcomes feedback, explains their reasoning, and invites your collaboration. If that’s not happening, it’s okay to seek someone new. Remember: Quit your counselor, don’t quit counseling.
Therapy myths and realities
Myth: “Therapy is only for people with serious problems.”
Reality: Therapy is for anyone who wants to grow, heal, or strengthen their relationships. You don’t have to be sick to go to the gym. Also, smart people know they don’t know things. You don’t have to be stupid to go to school.
Myth: “Therapists just tell you what to do.”
Reality: Good therapists don’t give orders, and they aren’t in charge of you. They help you discover insights, patterns, and solutions that fit you.
Myth: “If therapy works, it should work fast.”
Reality: Some insights come quickly, but deep change often takes time and practice. Think of therapy as training your emotional and relational muscles. Think of building a house, sports, business, and education--they all take time to build, practice, succeed, and learn. Your emotion and relationship knowledge, skills, and abilities are no different.
Myth: “I should trust my therapist and trust the process.”
Reality: Yes and no. I always tell my clients, “IF I earn your trust, yes, you should trust me… to a point. However, never trust me more than you trust yourself. This is your life, not mine. Feel free to challenge me, disagree with me, be skeptical, ask questions, and make me explain anything that doesn’t make sense to you.” Healthy disagreement can strengthen therapy. Open, honest feedback helps your therapist serve you better.
Myth: “Talking about problems just keeps them alive or makes them worse.”
Reality: Avoidance keeps problems alive. Talking through them in a structured, supportive way and gaining skills and abilities to create new solutions is how you start to resolve them.
About Jonathan Sherman, LMFT
Jonathan Sherman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and author of The 7 Principles for Building Strong Families and 3 Meetings to Save and Transform Your Marriage. He is the founder of the RelateGREAT Academy, helping couples and families create truly GREAT Relationships. Learn more at RelateGREAT.net. And for Jonathan’s in-depth FAQ about his own approach, visit RelateGREAT.net/FAQ
Sources:
American Psychological Association. (2012). Recognition of Psychotherapy Effectiveness.
Lambert, M. J. (2013). Bergin and Garfield’s Handbook of Psychotherapy and Behavior Change (6th ed.). Wiley.
Wampold, B. E., & Imel, Z. E. (2015). The Great Psychotherapy Debate: The Evidence for What Makes Psychotherapy Work (2nd ed.). Routledge.
Norcross, J. C., & Lambert, M. J. (2018). Psychotherapy Relationships That Work (3rd ed.). Oxford University Press.
