Q&A: The “AAA” Affair Recovery Response
How to Handle Conversations After Betrayal.
Q: "I had an affair that was emotional and involved kissing. We didn't have sex. My wife found out and has been very upset. I have ended it. My wife just sent me a text saying she ran into my ex-girlfriend. What should I do?"
A: This question was sent to me from a former client. I replied as follows in a text:
Running into the person your spouse had an affair with can reopen the wound in an instant. Even if the affair has ended, your wife may suddenly feel flooded with grief, anger, fear, humiliation, or anxiety. Your job in that moment is NOT to fix those feelings; your job is to respond in a way that helps her feel safe rather than alone.
So, prepare yourself to engage well and actively listen to whatever she has to say. I would suggest responding in the spirit of what we've discussed in the past: AAA: Accept, Attend, Apologize.
As important as what I'll share is, there is a LOT more that goes into recovering from an affair than those three things. It is often a very long, painful, and complicated process. Rebuilding trust is at best arduous. It's not something that is just "forgiven and forgotten." So think of the "AAA of Affair Recovery" that I outline below as essential tools, but not the entire toolbox.
ACCEPT
Accept vs minimize, justify, rationalize, defend, excuse, or deny. Often, people will tell me that the cheated-on partner is "overreacting", "making a bigger deal out of it than it was", or "won't let go of it." Remember, this isn't just a "Susie" [his wife] reaction to your former relationship with Jill [his affair partner] (Note: names changed to protect confidentiality). This is a common and normal reaction for someone who has experienced betrayal. In fact, most betrayed partners would react this way.
So "accept" here = accept what it is/was and how your wife is reacting to it as normal to how any betrayed partner would react. She's not "making a big deal out of nothing." Your betrayal was a big deal that hurt your wife terribly. There's no other way around that. Own it.
Further, acceptance doesn't mean you enjoy seeing your partner in pain. It means you stop arguing with reality. The affair happened. It caused real injury. Healing begins when you stop trying to convince your partner that the wound isn't as deep as they know it is.
ATTEND
Whether or not you think it should bother her or not, she is still hurting (again, as any betrayed partner would). Don't tell her how she should feel, or that she's overreacting, etc. For example:
Do NOT say things like:
"Nothing happened."
"You're overthinking it."
"I already apologized."
“It didn’t mean anything.”
"When are you going to let this go?"
"You're ruining our progress."
Instead, focus on attending to her pain with sincerely spoken, patient, and reassuring words like:
"I understand why seeing her brought everything back."
"I know... I know... I’m so so sorry. “
“That really hurt you.”
“Of course, you're upset. You have every reason to be.”
“I know.”
“Tell me more...”
“It's going to be okay..." (though bear in mind some betrayed partners find this reassuring; many also understandably don’t believe that yet.)
“I’m here.”
"You don't have to carry this alone."
"Tell me what you're feeling."
"Thank you for telling me."
Patiently, humbly, and gently repeat all of the above over and over and over and over... AND do so sincerely AND compassionately. These statements validate without sounding dismissive. They communicate you’re listening, open, non-defensive, taking accountability, and attending to their pain. Attend like an attending physician or nurse attends carefully, skillfully, and kindly to a wounded person. Your wife has been deeply wounded. It can be very hard to own that. And also, while you did hurt her, depending on how well you attend, or not, your responses can either help create conditions for healing or deepen the wound.
Additionally, two words for you to lock onto as a mantra as you listen to her: Be prepared to “humbly hear.” Your ego, pride, score-keeping, and fear will make you defensive, make counterpoints, try to balance what you did with “yeah, but…”, etc. Don’t minimize, justify, rationalize, excuse, defend, or deny. Just own it humbly and nondefensively. Keep your body language open, your shoulders squared to hers, make eye contact, and breathe slowly.
APOLOGIZE
This is both the simplest and the hardest. Just a sincere, "I'm sorry." Period. Not, "I'm sorry, but..." or "I've already said I'm sorry a hundred times already!" Instead, "I'm sorry" or "I'm sorry I hurt you. It is over. I'm so, so sorry." This must be said sincerely, without defensiveness, tone, or attitude. A real apology isn't an attempt to make your guilt go away. It's an attempt to acknowledge your spouse's pain. This is a subtle and very important distinction.
While the right words definitely matter, recovering from an affair isn't about saying the perfect words. It's about consistently becoming the kind of person your spouse can trust again. Every conversation is an opportunity either to deepen the wound or to become part of the healing. Your responses can either help the healing process or deepen it.
I ended my text response to him with: I know you’ve been defensive and reactive about this with her, my friend. Please get your head and heart wrapped around this. It won't work unless you're really just plain sincere. Good luck, bro. Let me know how it goes.