Guest Blogger: Kara Sherman: Just Don't Do It!
Kara P. Sherman
Introduction: My wife (of 20 years), partner, love of my life, "little buddy", and force to be reckoned with, Kara, wrote the following on her blog, The Wampum Queen, and I asked her to repost it here as a guest blogger so that others could benefit. I am a big proponent of healthy boundaries and guilt-free "No"-saying. I give you... Kara! Enjoy. Guest Blogger: Kara P. Sherman
In November, I was talking to a woman and asked her if she could do something for me, and she said, "No... I'm sorry. I feel bad saying, 'No'."
I wanted to hit her.
Why do women do that? Feel bad for setting boundaries for themselves and saying no? Who made up the rule that to say "No" is a sin?
I am in my church congregation's women's presidency—in Mormon speak, I'm in the Relief Society Presidency. I went to the President right then and said, "I'm giving the lesson in January. We're having a tutorial on the word 'No'."
Here it is:
First story:
This summer, my mother died, and I was feeling down. Then the summer ended, school started, and I kept feeling worse. I have clinical depression as it is, which I treat effectively and well, which means I rarely feel depressed. However, I realized that my medication wasn't working very well and that after seven years on the same medication, I probably needed a change. I tend to hide from people, situations, duties, etc., when I'm depressed, and I was really hiding. It took me until the end of November to get in to see my psychiatrist to assess my medication. I have a lot of duties, civic and church, that I'm involved with, and I wasn't doing them.
I said to my husband, "I really feel like I am running faster than I have strength" (Mosiah 4:27 in the Book of Mormon). I didn't have the mental capacity to do all the things I needed to do. My mental health was suffering.
Second story:
The other day I was talking to the girl who waxes me about the five jobs she'd mentioned she has and loves. Her husband goes to school, and she is the breadwinner in her family. At one point, however, she had several jobs that she did and that she hated. Her husband told her that she did it to herself, which made her mad because here she is supporting the family and he's criticizing her—which he really wasn't. She realized, however, he was right. Just because she works doesn't mean she has to do something she hates. So she switched her focus and found things she likes to do, and she and her husband are much happier.
Third story:
The other councilor, who is over our monthly midweek Relief Society meetings, had done a craft evening wherein a lot of the crafts had not been picked up or paid for. She decided that she was going to take the rest home and finish them to give to the widowed and/or alone ladies in our congregation.
This is a wonderful thing to do if you aren't getting ready to move, have two small children, teach three craft classes already, etc., etc, etc. She came to church and said, "I don't think I'm going to be able to do this. I'm really sorry." I hadn't heard she was going to do it, and after finding out the information said, "Do they KNOW you are doing this for them?" She said they didn't, and then I said, "Then we're not doing it!" Then she thanked me for allowing her to say no.
You don’t need permission to say No
Ladies, you don't have to have permission to say, NO! It's not a bad word. It's actually an awesome word. It's a word that allows you to put boundaries on yourself, to keep yourself mentally and physically well.
Think of all the things you do as a woman, wife, and mother: Laundress, chauffeur, we work outside the home, cook, clean, take care of our neighbors, eat, sleep, exercise, attend civic meetings, church activities, church assignments, take care of our parents, brothers and sisters, etc. Out of all the activities you do, which ones are essential? Eating and sleeping. The laundry will wait. The kids have feet to walk. The dishes can wait until tomorrow. Kids can eat ramen.
The right and wrong way to use guilt
Why do we take on so much in our lives? Why don't we say no? Because we feel guilty. Because we feel like we "should" be doing these things.
My husband—the marriage and family therapist—often tells his female clients:
Don't "Should!" all over yourself!!
He then tells them: “From here on out, you are only allowed to feel guilty if you do something that is:
Mean
Wrong
Unfair
Otherwise, you are not allowed to waste good guilt energy.”
God gives us guilt so that good people will feel bad when they do something bad. Then we will fix the problem so we can feel good again. Satan wants us to feel bad about ourselves so we will “be miserable like unto himself. “ He wants us to feel bad and to think that we are inherently evil. But we aren't. He wants us to “run faster than we have strength.”
In the Book of Mormon, Mosiah tells us:
"And now, for the sake of these things which I have spoken unto you—that is, for the sake of retaining a remission of your sins from day to day, that ye may walk guiltless before God—I would that ye should impart of your substance to the poor, every man according to that which he hath, such as feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the sick and administering to their relief, both spiritually and temporally, according to their wants.
"And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order." —Mosiah 4:26-27
The Lord tells us that although we are already saved by his grace and merits, we are to continue to do good to our fellow man; however, it is not REQUIRED that a man should run faster than he has strength. That we should work hard, but all things should be done in order and wisdom.
In other words: If you don't have time, money, or energy, or even if you don't want to make dinner for a sick neighbor, then say. “No!” and leave it at that. If you don't want to share your Mother's Day chocolates with your children, then don't—in fact, you shouldn't! If you don't want to be on the PTA, then don't say, "Yes."
Create boundaries, ladies. Say NO! And remember, Don't "should" all over yourselves.